i love you beth cooper.

is not that funny.  that chick is totally smoking hot.  i actually said, “holy shit” out loud when she took her graduation gown off and was standing there in some daisy dukes and tight tank top.  wow.

but other than that, you’ve all seen this movie before.  about 50 times.  and out of those 50 times, 46 of them are better.

they made a valiant effort to produce a grade A coming of age teen flick.  they’ve got all the ingredients.  nerdy, love struck kid, gorgeous head cheerleader with deep rooted self esteem issues, the beefcake older boyfriend (who this time around is coked up), the slutty and snooty girlfriends, the equally nerdy best friend.  but it’s just all been done before.  and better.

it had it’s moments, don’t get me wrong.  but there’s just not much senimentality or really anything at all to get any kind of emotional response from the audience.  at least from me anyway.  a few good jokes but nothing special.  other than looking at that chicks backside in those super high heels.  she must be like a miniature person in real life because she was still a good 6 inches shorter than the nerdy hero.  who was like a foot shorter than the beefcake, coked up boyfriend.

the hottie blonde’s ditzy white friend was the best part about the movie.  she was really perfect for her part.  comic relief when the film started to flounder.  she would say something that would make me laugh.  and i really wish i had her number.

2 out of 5.  i don’t care enough to try to think of something witty.

public enemies.

not johnny depp or christian bale’s best film of the year.  sure, depp looks cool shooting his tommy gun and christian bale is the determined law man sent to bring him down, but this thing is simply too long and the climax is pretty anti-climatic.

i blame michael mann.  the story of john dillinger should be a lot more exciting than this film was.  it dragged in places and they strung it out about 30 minutes too long.  we all already knew what happened.  no twist, no real epic love story.  just flat.  just like every other michael mann movie since….um, what was the last thing he did worth a crap?  let me check imdb.com real quick….

heat?  in 1995?  collateral was okay.  ali was kinda blah…miami vice was unwatchable.  you suck michael mann.

skip this movie.

my sister’s keeper.

everything that is bad about hollywood that is reflected in transformers, this film is everything good about hollywood.  a compelling story, believable characters, true human emotion.  it’s great.  it made me cry.

it’s the story of a family that concieves a child to be a donor child for thier older daughter that has lukemia.  they will use the younger daughter’s organs for transplants, her blood for transfusions and her bone marrow when needed to keep the older daughter alive.  that’s some pretty gruesome stuff if you ask me.  but then again, if i had a daughter with a disease like that what lengths would i go to keep her alive?  and there is no one that hasn’t been touched by cancer in some way or another.  and this film tells the story of how one family was affected. 

i’m not generally a big cameron diaz fan.  i believe her best work was in the mask with jim carrey about a hundred years ago, but she’s still sexy as all get out.  jason patric is fantastic as the husband, the little girl from little miss sunshine is great as the younger daughter.  Abigail Breslin is her name and she is spectacular.  this little girl is great in everything she’s been in so far.  or at least that i’ve seen.  she’s gonna be around for a long, long time.  unless of course she gets hooked on drugs in her teens and ends up on “where are they now.”  let’s hope not, she’s a very talented young actress.

don’t see this movie alone unless you just need a good cry.  because cry you will.  take a girl and you’ll be her hero for the night.  i have to give this movie a five out of five.  and i don’t even have anything to give it other than stars.  anything else would just be wrong.  i’m probably never going to purchase this film just because it’s one of those i’m glad to have seen it, but do not want to see it again.  unless i think i might be able to get a little lovin’, then i might pick it up.

transformers 2.

okay, i tried to watch this thing when i got off work last night at 12:30 but i couldn’t make it through.  i had to leave at 2 am.  probably because i had already seen most of it in peices throughout the day.  we weren’t nearly as busy yesterday as i thought we would be.  it’s so weird.  on wednesday we sold out every show after 6 pm and on thursday we didn’t come close to selling out any of them.  i guess people just like to come on opening day.  i’m sure today, friday, will be hella busy again though.

i talked a lot of trash about this film yesterday and after having watched the majority of it i’d like to share some more of my thoughts with you.

transformers 2 = giant robots crashing through stuff and blowing shit up + little robots with funny voices that sound like they were stolen from the faggy ass droids from phantom menace + two kind of funny medium size robots that sound like the 2 big black brothers from that movie where jim carrey had two big black sons (one of them even had a gold tooth) + megan fox running.

and i’m okay with megan fox running.  for the whole movie.  that’s okay.  i can watch her run for 2 hours.  2 hours and 40 minutes though and it gets a little monotonous.  because that’s all she does.  that’s all any of them do.  giant robots smash though some shit and the humans run.  the robots turn into some cool looking cars and ride the humans around for a minute until they are attacked by more giant robots smashing though shit and it’s like super rock ‘em sock ‘em robots for a minute, then the humans run again.

wow, that’s some compelling story line.  i just have a couple questions for you michael bay.  first, didn’t they fix bumblebee’s voice at the end of the first one?  i mean, sure, it is kinda funny for him to communicate in movie clips spoken by tom hanks from some of steven speilburg’s other great films like forrest gump and apollo 13.  so that’s okay.

next, if the “primes” had only one rule about harvesting suns for energy and that one rule was to not destroy any sun that supported life, then why did they build the device on earth in the first place?

why do the robots look all roboty with thier car parts still visible when they are in robot form when that hot chick that tried to get with shia at the beginning of the movie was able to transform into a smooth, sexy looking woman?  why can i see optimus prime’s hood and grill when they apparently have the ability to transform into any form they wish?  sure optimus does look pretty cool, but i’m just confused by that.

also, did you let your kid brother be the continuity director?  one minute they were running, the next they were in the cars driving, the next they were running.  and i’m not sure i saw them get into or out of the cars.  at one point they were running in what looked like a run down industrial part of a huge city, the next they were in cars in the forest.  shia had just been rescued from megatron by several autobots, then shia was riding inside optimus and megan and that other dude were riding inside bumblebee.  then all of a sudden shia and optimus were in the forest all alone where they were attacked by megatron and a couple other decepticons but the other autobots who where just involved in the fighting and running were no where to be seen.  only to re-appear just in time to help shia escape once again.

maybe i blinked but i’m pretty sure i missed something there.

but whatever.  i’m sure this thing is going to make a gazillion dollars and if i take out all my movie snobbiness and don’t worry about plot, character development, continuity and common sense, then i guess this is a pretty fun summer movie.  just so long as my brain shuts off and i just ooohhh and aaaahhh over the pretty lights and big explosions.

for transformers 3 i’d like to suggest a make out scene with a sexy girl decepticon and megan fox though please.

transformers: revenge of the fallen.

those are the three words the louisville courier journal wrote to describe transformers: revenge of the fallen.

i’ve not seen the whole thing yet but i’ve got three words to describe the crowd that has been selling out my theater seeing it.  lowest.  common.  denominator. 

i just checked imdb.com and the first user review says, “best sequel i’ve seen since jeepers creepers.”

i really don’t think i need to say any more.  my hope for western culture has come to an end.  there is no hope.  we are screwed.  better get your food storage going and fortify your homes.  judgement day is upon us.

not only is this film a pile of flashy lights, big explosions, giant robots and low IQ humor, it’s sponsored in part by your US government.  if you’ll notice from the trailers all the vehicles in the film are General Motors, or as i like to call it now, Government Motors.  remember just a couple weeks ago when the federal government bailed out GM by essentially purchasing a majority of the shares?  nice to know the country is in a deficit like we’ve never seen but there’s at least still money to shovel into hollywood.

where’s my money, barry?

when i showed up for work tuesday i noticed a GM tent and some GM girls hanging out.  i’m all for marketing products with sexy ladies, but not when my tax dollars are paying for it.  GM had a booth set up with these chicks and brought over some new camaros and poeople brought there camaros to the theater and they gave out free tickets for a special screening of transformers 2 and t-shirts and all kinds of stuff.

makes me really consider just never paying those back taxes i owe now that i can see at least one place they are going.  still waiting on that check, barry.  and i’m of course talking to barry obama.  barack hussein obama.  whose momma calls him barry.  where’s my check?

but other than that debacle, this film is still a pile of crap.  it’s produced for the masses.  a film with the broadest appeal possible.  which is a good thing i guess.  because i’m all about making money.  and this thing is gonna make some bread.  at our theater, the opening day for transformers 2 beat opening day for dark knight.  i have a feeling spiderman 2 is going down as the biggest opening in movie history.  we sold out every show after 6 yesterday.  and i’m sure we’ll do the same today.

and the people that are selling this thing out are idiots.  they don’t understand how to stand in a line and wait.  they crowd around the theater door before the movie showing before theirs has let out.  blocking the people from getting out of the theater, blocking people walking down the hall and blocking my ushers from cleaning the theater.  then they start to rush in after they’ve been asked to please wait until we’ve had time to clean the theater.  then they complain the theater is dirty when they get in there.

i worry about the future.

i did like the GM girls though.  i need to talk to someone about having some Tinseltown girls brought in for other big openings.  i’ll of course be in charge of them.

year one.

stoner comedy of the year.  so far.  of course maybe i can’t recall the last good stoner movie….but anyway, this thing is pretty funny.  jack black and michael cera are idiot cave men like people who are such screw ups the essentially get kicked out of thier tribe and go on what the movie trailer calls the first road trip.

i’m pretty sure there are some serious historical inaccuracies, but who cares.  it’s funny to watch them come across cain and abel fighting in a field.  and it’s even funnier to watch cain follow them on thier adventure.  cain is played by david cross in easily his best role since arrested development.  he tries to be their friend one minute, then sells them into slavery the next.  it’s all quite funny.

this movie is just a good time.  catch a little buzz before you watch it if you want.  you’ll be fine.  you’ll laugh.  a lot.  as far as overall funny goes, it’s probably neck and neck with land of the lost, which i thought was pretty funny.  it’s in a different class though than the hangover.  the hangover is probably the outright funniest movie of the year.  but you won’t be disappointed with year one.  unless you don’t like jack black or michael cera.  then you won’t be watching this movie anyway.

if you’re looking for soemthing funny to go see this weekend and have already seen the hangover.  go see year one.  if you’ve not seen the hangover.  go see the hangover.  but i’ll buy year one when i find it in the 4 for 20 bin at blockbuster.  i give this movie three caveman loin clothes out of five.

the taking of pelham 123.

summer blockbuster this ain’t.  as the number since it’s release have shown.  in my theater it hasn’t finished better than third on any given day.  disney pixar’s up is still kicking ass and taking names followed not really that closely by the hangover.  that’s not to say the taking of pelham 123 is a bad movie.  it’s very well done and has a very compelling cast.  i think it was just released at the wrong time.  it might not have made any more money if it had been released in winter or early spring or something liek that.  but it might be number one if it had.

like i said, it’s not a bad movie.  it’s very well done.  i especially like the way the soundtrack and background noise work.  the train and railway sounds it uses in transitions i thought was very cool and everything just “sounded” right.  it’s just well put together.  good editing, great sound editting.  all that stuff is very sound.  solid.

the actors are all very good.  john travolta and denzel washington are professional actors who have been working in the business for a long time.  they are able to take a plot line that is pretty well worn and make it intriguing for 2 hours.  everyone is just believable.  there’s some really good dialog and interaction between the main characters and also everyone else in the movie.

it’s got tony soprano as the embattled mayor of new york, john turturro as the fbi hostage negotiator guy.  and i love all those guys. 

if you’re an avid movie fan, like me.  this is a good film.  you will not be disappointed.  this is a good flick to pick up on dvd and watch on a sunday evening on the couch with you lady friend.  i give it three new york hostages out of five.

the hangover.

funniest movie of the summer.  freaking hilarious.  i think i have to put this in the category with old school.  sorry will ferrell.  land of the lost is pretty funny, but the hangover is an instant classic.  a must add to any respectable video library.

it’s got mike tyson singing phil collins.  it’s got guys getting tased in the face.  it’s got strippers, it’s got gambling, it’s got a naked chinese man jumping out of a car trunk.  i could go on and on.  it’s great.

my vocabulary is too limited to truly describe how funny this movie is.  i mean, there are moments where i feel i’ve seen this before in a really bad movie with ashton kutcher and that kid that played stifler, dude where’s my car?  because the movie is about these guys that go to vegas for a friends bachelor party and get effin ripped on roofies by accident and wake up with no idea what happened.  they are missing the groom, have a tiger in thier bathroom, one of them is married to a stripper and there’s a baby in the closet.

are you kidding me?  it’s got some gross out moments and some knee slapping.  i don’t know what else to say other than go see it.  it’s the movie to see this week.  unless you still havn’t seen star trek.  then go see star trek. 

they do coke with carrot top, man.  needless to say, this isn’t a kids movie.  it’s a good solid R.  but those are the funniest.

five shots of jager out of five.  instant classic.

land of the lost.

thank you will ferrell.  thank you.  i never watched the old campy tv show, land of the lost, but i’m pretty sure this movie does a good job of making fun of it.  the sets look like a bad star trek episode as well as the lizard men costumes.  so it’s obviously a film that isn’t meant to be taken seriously.  like any movie with will ferrell is to be taken seriously.

i laughed out loud several times.  there’s really not much else i can say about this movie other than go see it and you’ll laugh so hard you might pee your pants if you’ve been doing too much drinking before hand.  stoned or sober, this is a funny movie.

to compare will ferrell comedies is like comparing davinci masterpeices.  you just can’t do it.  you may like some better than others but they are all works of art. 

i’m not including old school in my comparisons because i think old school belongs in a class all by it’s little self.  an iconic film to be remembered for ages to come.  preserved in the pantheon on cinema history.  so having taken old school out of the equation, i’m calling talladega nights and anchorman his two best films.  and i’m putting land of the lost right in between them.  it will be an essential part of my dvd collection when it comes out.  i’ll of course wait until it’s used at blockbuster, but i’ll buy it.

four overly hot supporting actresses that would never look twice at a guy like will ferrell if he wasn’t will ferrell out of five.

drag me to hell.

this might be the best movie of the summer nobody sees.  i don’t know how it’s doing around the country, i guess i could look that up.  but it’s not doing too well at my theater at all.  it’s beating dance flick, but that ain’t saying much.

i sat down to watch this thing last night not really knowing what to expect.  i’m a fan of sam raimi, director and writer, from way back with evil dead and army of darkness.  i even enjoyed the first couple of spiderman films.  the third one of those was a pile of crap, but whatever.  i was interested to see what mr. raimi was going to do back in the horror genre.

and he did not disappoint.  well, i was a little disappointed bruce campbell didn’t make a cameo, but i can live with that.  this movie had me on the edge of my seat just waiting for something to jump out and scare me.  and it did, repeatedly.  it also had the entire audience laughing outloud through the whole thing.  it was a great mix of spooky and comedy.  just like i was hoping for.

justin long turns in his best performance of his career in my opinion as christine’s perfect boyfriend.  not one time did i want to jump up and smack him in his face.  and Alison Lohman is awesome.  you can see her go through all these emotional states as she’s dealing with the torment of her curse.  from sweet, innocent trying to do the right thing to “here kitty kitty.”  i’ll leave it to you to find out what that’s all about.

and any film with post mortem mud wrestling is going to be on my must see list.  period.

this is a fun movie to go see.  i doubt it will be nominated for any awards or anything like that.  but it’s one i’ll more than likely add to the DVD collection when i find it used at blockbuster for seven or ten bucks.  four squishy eyeballs out of five.