ninja assassin.

those are some pretty bad ass ninjas.

the bloodiest movie of the year by far.  bloodiest movie since sweeney todd.

gruesomely imaganitve ass kicking.

better love story than twilight.  with ninjas.

this thing kicks you in the teeth right from the get go.  the opening scene is a downpour of blood and body parts.  i mean, this thing is bloody.  imagine 300 meets kill bill.  and with a better love story than twilight.

go see this thing if you like ass kicking ninja action.  dude, there’s a scene where they attack the ninja compound with tanks and hummers!  ya got ninja scattering little shadowy cockroaches.  cockroaches that throw ninja stars with deadly speed and accuracy.

it’s awesome.

four severed ninja fingers out of five.

boonedock saints 2: all saint’s day.

i have to admit i kinda dozed off a couple of times.  not that the film was boring, it was just really late.  and it did kinda start out like a straight to dvd movie.  in fact, i’m kinda surprised it wasn’t straight to dvd.  i think because the boonedock saints is such a popular cult kinda thing that sold a gazillion dvd’s, they thought they’d give it a shot on the big screen.

they shoulda just let it go to dvd.

i was dozing so i very well might have missed a few things but i just didn’t think they story was particularly compelling.  i mean, what else should there be?  a priest is killed in boston and made to look like the saints did it.  so they, the saints, find out about it and roll up out of the irish back country and take a boat ride to america with the soul intention of kicking ass.

and kick ass they do.  so i don’t know what i’m complaining about.

they chick that plays dexter’s girlfriend on dexter, is the main female character.  and boy, she’s real easy on the eyes.  me likes her as a red head.  me likes the red heads.   julie benz is her name.

the macmanus brothers are played again by sean patrick flanery and norman reedus with billy connolly reprises his roll as pappa.

fans will enjoy it.  there are some cool lines and some nice homages to the first film that fans will really enjoy.  people that arent’ familiar with the first film might not get all the jokes but if you havn’t seen the first one, it’s not like you won’t be able to follow the story.

as it is, there are several movies i’d recommend over this one unless you are just a big saints fan.  then by all means go see it.  i’m just saying i’m not gonna rush out and add it to my dvd collection.  it is in no way comparable to boonedock saints.

two jacked up russian mobster out of five.

2012.

i’m a little late getting this review out.  but hey, i been busy.  i just now got around to seeing this film and i can honestly say it didn’t suck.  it’s way better than the day after tomorrow.  which did suck and was the last movie by director roland emmerich.  wait, i take that back.  his last movie was 10,000 BC.  which also sucked.  but anyway…

they should have named this film 20012: an apocaliptic odyssy.

this thing is not really strong in the story department, but these catastrophe films rarely are.  not enough time for any good plot when all you are doing is trying to run from the destruction of the earth.  the special effects are what this film is all about.  but you also have some very likeable actors to make this thing run along quite smoothly.

who doesn’t love john cusack?  and everyone loves danny glover.  amanda peete is great.  the chick that plays danny glover’s first daughter is super hot and reminds me of thandie newton.  oh wait, that’s because it is thandie newton.  and even though i can’t pronounce his name, chiwetel ejiofor is one of my favs.  he plays the role of the scientist.

and it is great to look at.  watching the ocean roll over the himilayas is pretty awesome.  as is all the destruction.

bottom line this is a big budget hollywood blockbuster type of disaster film.  with a special appearance by woody harrelson.  and it flows along nicely as i’ve just said.  it doesn’t seem near as long as it’s 2 hour and 45 minute run time.  just go easy on the large soda or you might miss seeing hawaii as a giant volcano.

i’m probably not going to run out and buy this when it comes out on dvd like i did star trek last week, but this is a very enjoyable movie perfect for the big screen.

three popcorn tubs out of five.

new moon.

oh my god, i’m in love with you and you’re a vampire.  please don’t leave me.

i’m  a vampire and we can’t be together so i have to leave you.

oh, i’m so sad i wake my poor father up in the middle of the night screaming out for you.

hey, you’re not so bad.  i don’t care your a werewolf just please don’t leave me.

i’m sorry, i’m a werewolf i must leave you so you’ll be safe.

waaaa waaaaa waaaaaaa.

i’m sorry i left you.

no, i’m sorry i left her.

no, you left her.

but i’m sorry i left her.

waaaa waaaa waaaa.

okay.  i think i can get now why this thing is such a huge success with girls and women around the world.  it’s all about that obsessive kind of love we all get.  it feels like everything is life and death.  and that kind of feeling has an impact with women and girls.

but holy crikey this crap is just god awful.  would someone hire a script writer?  please.

the only person in this film that seems to have a freaking clue is the chick bella goes to the movies with.

bella is crying the whole time because people she loves keep leaving her.  while she’s leaving those who love her.

what a peice of crap.  it’s pretty.  it has some nice photography and even a witty line here and there.  “i guess the wolf’s out of the bag.”  being the best line in the movie.

if i had a negative rating, i would use it.  i could beseech you to not see this film.  but i know you are going to anyway.  and then you’ll come see it again.  and again.  and again.  this is why the terrorist want to kill us.  i almost want to kill myself for watching this thing.

the last trailer before the movie started was some other peice of romance drivel starring robert pattinson and i immediatly regretted staying to watch this thing til three in the morning.

jacob is freaking ripped though, i’ll tell ya that.  and he spend the entire movie shirtless.  something for you ladies out there.  and he looks great.  i mean, brother did some sit ups.  taylor lautner.  dude’s got a career in the wwe if he wants it.  i have a feeling we are going to be seeing this cat playing the hunky hero in lots of movies in the next few years.

hell, i think i’m getting a crush on him.

the box.

if i presented you with the proposition to press a button that would kill someone, somewhere in the world that you did not know for one million dollars, what would you do?

i’d press the button and be on my way.

it is that question of morality that the film the box plays on.  and i have to say through about three quarters of the film it is a well acted, well produced and well directed   unfortunatly it had a fourth quarter to go.

let me discuss the things about this movie i liked.  it is set in the late 70’s and looks, sounds and feels like a film out of that era.  the wall paper is terrible, the wide men’s ties are atrocious and the soundtrack is killer.  any time you can fit “bell bottom blues” by eric clapton into a film, i’m a happy camper.  the original score is excellent as well.  it could very easily have been lifted from a 1976 film noir.

i was on imdb.com today and everyone seems to have a good time bashing cameron diaz’ accent.  which may not be the best virginia accent in the world but it beats the hell out of tom cruise’s german in valkyrie.  i’m not a big cameron diaz fan, but i thought she did a pretty good job considering the script she had to work with.  james marsden is pretty spot on too.  and i can never get enough frank langella.  that old dude just rocks.

the film is based on a short story by richard matheson called “button, button.”  matheson also wrote the story the film i am legend was based on.  and that movie pretty much rocked up until the final quarter too.  i need to read some of his work to see who i need to blame for the ending of his movies sucking.  but on this one i’m gonna go ahead and blame richard kelly.

richard kelly was the dude that directed donnie darko, so he’s a little out there anyway.  but come on dude.  just because you think you are so smart don’t mean you are.  just leave him as the mysterious man with the box.  that would have been much more better than that thin attempt to explain what’s going on.  sometimes we don’t need to know.  our imagination fills in the holes in your otherwise weak screenplay.

but whatever, that’s why i work at a movie theater and review movies on my blog.  because i’m so smart….

i don’t think this is going to be the movie to see this weekend.  i’ve not had the chance to screen the men who stare at goats or the fourth kind or disney’s a christmas carol.  thought i’m pretty sure how that last one goes.  it should still be fun to watch jim carrey’s animated old scrooge in 3D.

i did find it interesting that the button was only pushed by women…

one and a half cameron diazes out of five.

michael jackson’s this is it.

say what you will about michael jackson, and yes, brother did have his issues, but he could sing and dance his ass off.  the man was born to be on stage.

i’m not the biggest mj fan in the world, in fact at times i’ve been highly critical of the man and his antics.  but ya know what?  he’s gone and we are left with all the good things he has done and maybe that won’t wipe away all the crazy stuff we witnessed, but for me.  who cares.  thriller freaking rocks!

i got mj songs stuck in my head i had forgotten where mj songs.

michael jackson looks happy during the rehearsals for that big concert that never happened.  whenever you used to see him on tv or in an interview or anything else, he just looks so uncomfortable.  like he’s not really sure how he is expected to act.  but on stage, he knew how to act.  he looks happy.  looks like he belongs.  and it’s awesome.

if you like michael jackson or not, go see this thing.  it’s only got a few days left at the theater but you’d be sorry to miss it.  they were preparing to put on maybe the greatest spectacle of a concert the likes of such have never been seen.  and these are just rehearsals that are captured here, but the energy, the light, the sound is incredible.

they are not piping music in.  the band is live.  right there on stage with michael.  there ain’t no lip synching at a michael jackson show.  not even during rehearsals.  it’s awesome.  go see it.

best concert movie ever.

law abiding citizen.

well, gerard butler looks pretty awesome with his shirt off.  and i’m really starting to miss the in living color jamie foxx days.  dude is just way too serious.

other than that, i really can’t say a lot about this film.  other than people seem to like it.  the friend i was with when i saw it really liked it as well.  i think i’m just an uber critic.

i think their objective in this film, other than blowing a bunch of stuff up, was to point out some flaws with our legal system.  like making deals with murderers and bad guys and giving them lesser sentences so they can give another bad guy and murderer a harsher sentence.  and i know this goes on.  i’ve seen it in other movies.

ol’ gerard loses his mind when the murderer of his wife and daughter get off with a light sentence because the guy testifies against another bad guy.  and he really does kill everybody.

it’s one of those deals where they set him up like a regular dude then we find out he’s got some mysterious lump sum payments made to him by the department of defense.  and no one thinks anything of it until people start dying.  turns out he’s like some brilliant black ops mastermind.

wow, who saw that coming?

i did come in late, which i really hate to do, and missed the terrible murder that started it.  maybe i would have bought into it a little more.  i just didn’t think all that was necessary.

there are some good action sequences and the actors all do a good job.  i particularly liked leslie bibb who plays jamie foxx’s assistant and bruce mcgill who plays the old lawyer confidant.  colm meaney is good as the cop.  i love that dude, he used to be star trek: the next generation and also in one of the spin offs.

two large movie theater popcorns out of five.  go see paranormal activity.

paranormal activity.

all i can say is i’m too freaked out to go to bed right now.  that’s why i’m writing this tonight instead of in the morning.

i just read “the greatest shaky cam movie ever” on imbd.com.  and it’s hard for me to disagree.  this is the best over the shoulder, mtv style, cam corder, you and an idiot friend could pull this off over a couple of weekends if you’d had this idea first, movie i’ve ever seen.  it puts blair witch to shame.

but of course, the blair witch paved the way for this type of film.  it’s shot from the perspective of two normal folk.  one of which is this incredibly racked young woman who has been plagued by a haunting since she was 8 years old and her douche bag idiot of a boyfriend who gets the idea that to buy a video camera and try to instigate whatever entity is haunting his girl would be a good one.

i mean, i’m actually rooting for this d-bag to get impaled or something.  he’s an idiot.  i’m almost afraid to write anymore.  so let me say, spoiler alert.  please come back and read after you’ve seen this movie.  because you need to go see it.  and make sure to take someone with you.  boy, girl.  whatever.  go with a friend.  pick up a stranger on the street, but take someone with you.  i watched this with three other grown men and we were all talking to the screen at various points in the feature.  “turn on the lights, you moron.”  “oh my god.”  “holy #$@%!”  “no effing way!”

this thing keeps you on the edge of your seat from the word go.  it really is brilliant.

but on to the spoiler alert.  and i call this a spoiler because it really could be a true story.  we’ve all heard stories and rumors of stories of stuff like this really happening.  but it’s completely scripted.  when that fool brings a weegie board into the house, if this was had really been happening to a woman since she was 8, and he brings a weegie board in, there ain’t no woman in this world would stay with him.  i don’t care how good looking he is, or how much money he makes, this chick, any chick, would be the eff out of that place and staying with a girlfriend.

but other than that, it is very believable.  and even still, i was on the edge of my seat just waiting for what happens next.  and that’s the beauty of this film and the style in which it is made.  it’s what happens next makes it so compelling.  because you never really see anything happen.  at all.  you start to see some stuff happen as the movie progresses, but it’s the sounds and the tension keeps you rivitted to the screen.

like i said, i watched with three other grown men and we were all afraid to go to the bathroom by ourselves after the screening.  we split up in pairs until we were all home.  it’s crazy.

i’ll see this movie again.  maybe a third time if i can talk another chick into going with me.

i’ma give this film a five out of five.  i went in not knowing a lot about what i was going to see, and had a great time.  and i’m probably not going to sleep for another few hours.  it scared the crap out of me.

i might not buy the dvd, because i’m not watching it in my house.

where the wild things are.

little boy kinda reminded myself of myself.  maybe i wasn’t that wild though.  little dude is out of control.

i really like how it limits dialog, especially in the beginning, and allows the scenery to tell the story.  which is fitting seeing as how the book from which this film is derived is more or less a picture book anyway.

it plays out really kinda sad though.  and i think that’s what keeps it from being a really great movie.  it’s just so sad.  i mean, sure, in the end it’s happy, but not like a happily ever after kinda deal.  because life is not happily ever after.  and i think that’s what this film is trying to tell us.

it’s the plight of a particularly imaginative little boy who’s kinda stuck inside his own head.  his big sister and her friends are mean to him, his parents are divorced and his mother isn’t paying him the attention he thinks he needs.  some very real, adult emotions that children are exposed to in real life everyday.

max escapes into the world where the wild things are.  and i hope i’m not spilling too many of the beans, but unless i’m wildly mistaken, the creatures are all different parts of his little fragile psyche.  and as he learns to interact with them, he learns how to act in his real life.  i found this film to be quite insightful.  that’s why it’s maybe not for little kids.  there’s not really enough action early on to grab a little one.  like kids around 8 and older i think would like this one more.

the whole thing just seemed a little sad to me.  and i guess growing up can be a little sad at times.  and maybe that’s the message.  i don’t know.  maybe i’m looking too hard for a message.  i could relate really well with this little fellas emotions that i’m sure there was a message in there somewhere.  but i suppose that’s for you to figure out for yourselves.

it takes some strange turns here and there, but you are trapped inside a wild little boy’s psyche.

go see it.  but i’m not so sure i’ll be purchasing the dvd.

couples retreat.

well, for grown people go on spring break it was kinda tame i thought.  i see this movie with younger folks.  like early to mid twenties.  with the dude from the office that everyone loves so much.  he was also in a really bad movie with george clooney about football in the 30’s or something.

john krasinski.  that’s the guy.

but as it was, i guess this film wasn’t  too terrible.  the funniest stuff you’ve already seen in the trailers.  and it tends to drag a bit at times.  and it takes them too long to get to the island in the first place.  they coulda shaved a good ten minutes off the front of the movie so we could get more bikini action.

but no.

it’s an enjoyable chick flick though.  i’m not gonna run out and buy it or anything, but it’s a good date movie.  it’s got some intimate scenes, but nothing too racy or provocative.

i find it incredibly ironic that the creators of swingers are starring together in a movie about relationships.  but then again, aren’t most movies about relationships?

it’s probably the best date movie out in a while though.  it’s way better than love happens.  or what was that one with gerard butler?  the ugly truth.  it’s better than that one too.  that one sucked.  so did love happens.

so there you go.  couples retreat.  not terrible.  but decent.  i enjoyed sitting next to long, lean and sexy much more than anything on screen.  well, there’s some terrific eye candy.  kristin bell might be the most exciting thing i’ve seen on screen since..since…i can’t remember.  i freaking love kristin bell.  go check out a film called reefer madness.  just do it.

and i love malin ackerman as well.  and i love that her hair is a different color in every movie she does.  and she looks great in any hair color!